Your Expectation Is Your Pain

Nigerians experienced a huge disappointment two weeks ago following the nation’s loss to Ivory Coast in the final of the 2024 Africa Cup of Nations (AFCON). At the onset of the tournament, many football lovers, perhaps justifiably, did not expect so much from the Super Eagles given recent uninspiring performances; but as the tournament progressed, many were being proved wrong and, at a point, it really looked as though Nigeria was on the verge of clinching her fourth continental title.

Expectations were justifiably high given Ivory Coast’s struggling performances through the group and knockout stages as against Nigeria’s more convincing showings. It was exactly these HIGH expectations that translated to the HIGH disappointments that ensued when Nigeria eventually lost.

Such is life; the higher our expectations the higher our disappointment and pain, and the lower our expectations, the lower our disappointment and pain. In 1998, I had the opportunity to re-watch the 1994 AFCON semi-final and final matches in which Nigeria defeated Ivory Coast and Zambia respectively to lift the trophy. The cousin of mine in whose house we watched the old tapes observed how sad and gloomy the faces of the Zambian players (who took the 2nd position) were as against the joyous and bright-looking faces of the Ivorians who were receiving the 3rd place medal. Losing a final match is more painful than losing at any of the earlier stages simply because expectations are at their climax when a team is one match away from becoming champions. The closer the ultimate goal, the more expectations, the more optimism, the more belief – and of course the more painful missing the goals will be.

Expectations tell a large part of the story of our suffering on earth. We feel disappointed and saddened by how people treat us simply because of our expectations. This is why we feel greater pain when someone close to us or one who has benefited from us wrongs us than we feel when a stranger or an enemy does the same. We’re expecting friendly and kinder treatment from the person close to us or who has benefited from us. On the contrary, we may not expect such gesture from a stranger or an enemy; so when they contradict our expectations and treat us well, we’re quite impressed and grateful.

Expectations breed sense of entitlement. We expect to be respected by people we feel we are superior to; we expect our relatives and friends to love us and treat us with all kindness; we expect reciprocation from those we show love and kindness to; we expect to be understood by others … We expect and expect and expect. It’s unending! But we live in an imperfect world and among imperfect humans where expectations will not always be met. So the implication is that we’re bound to suffer for many unmet expectations.

How do we solve this? It’s not possible for us to live without expectations. They’re a part of our living. However, we can be in charge of our expectations and rule over them rather than the reverse. Conscious efforts to moderate our expectations will help. Many a time, we leave ourselves at the mercy of our expectations and desires so much so that our happiness and peace of mind depend on them.

A more realistic approach to life would carefully avoid such disposition knowing that the reality is that while life will meet many of our expectations, many will not be met. To live and act as though all our expectations will always be met is to live in delusion with the attendant continuous disappointments and pains. Conversely, to live in full realisation that not all our expectations will be met is to live realistically, and facing one’s reality helps reduce shock and disappointment.

Besides the peace of mind that comes with being in control of our expectations, there’s a moral side to it. When our expectations rule us, we make the mistake of judging others harshly. For instance, when someone is very generous and freely gives to us always, we tend to feel very disappointed and bitter at them if at any time they fail to meet this expectation; hence we judge them harshly. On the other hand, if one who’s stingy and mean contradicts our expectations at any time and gives us something (no matter how little), we tend to show unusual gratitude for the “unusual” favour. This is the extent expectations becloud our judgment.

Can we end expectations? No. But can we rule over it like we do to other human dispositions? Certainly yes.

This is my meditation this midweek.

Henry Chigozie Duru, PhD, teaches journalism and mass communication at Nnamdi Azikiwe University, Awka, Nigeria.